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What you learn from the internet -
I Must Send My Thanks To Whoever Sent Me The One About Rat Poop In The Glue On Envelopes, Because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel With Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.
Also, Now I Scrub The Top Of Every Can I Open For The Same Reason.
I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time.
I No Longer Have Any Money At All, But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/microsoft And Aol Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.
I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.
I No Longer Eat Kfc Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers.
I No Longer Use Cancer-causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.
Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.
Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.
I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.
I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "under God" On Their Cans.
I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave, Because It Causes Cancer.
And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Of Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face, Disfiguring Me For Life.
I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.
I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With A Perfume Sample And Rob Me.
I No Longer Receive Packages From Ups Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.
I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.
I No Longer Answer The Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.
I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From ****.
I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.
Thank You Too For All The Endless Advice Andy Rooney Has Given Us. I Can Live A Better Life Now Because He's Told Us How To Fix Everything.
And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 I Find In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!
I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!
Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Rear.
If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 70 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 Pm This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump. I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-mother-in-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician.
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Plus, There Is A New Study And A Warning For You:
A South American Scientist From Argentina, After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.
Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late!
Also, Now I Scrub The Top Of Every Can I Open For The Same Reason.
I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time.
I No Longer Have Any Money At All, But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/microsoft And Aol Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.
I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.
I No Longer Eat Kfc Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers.
I No Longer Use Cancer-causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.
Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.
Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.
I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.
I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "under God" On Their Cans.
I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave, Because It Causes Cancer.
And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Of Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face, Disfiguring Me For Life.
I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.
I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With A Perfume Sample And Rob Me.
I No Longer Receive Packages From Ups Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.
I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.
I No Longer Answer The Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.
I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From ****.
I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.
Thank You Too For All The Endless Advice Andy Rooney Has Given Us. I Can Live A Better Life Now Because He's Told Us How To Fix Everything.
And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 I Find In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!
I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!
Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Rear.
If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 70 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 Pm This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump. I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-mother-in-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician.
----------------------------------------------------------
Plus, There Is A New Study And A Warning For You:
A South American Scientist From Argentina, After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.
Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late!
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