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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
_______________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A
few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to
sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are
you
going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she
turned to! the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
_______________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A
few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to
sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are
you
going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she
turned to! the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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