The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol, funny

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A wife was making breakfast fro her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you carzy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

_The Church Gossip_

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and then walked home. And he left it there. All night.

You gotta love George.

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

.................. And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. For weeks the teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Every time Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat for! ward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : ! 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'

Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ! ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?

Harry : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[davidundalicia]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I got all the answers wrong..........but I laughed my butt off...........and george was a man after my own heart......nice ones.

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I got all the answers wrong..........but I laughed my butt off...........and george was a man after my own heart......nice ones.

I did too so don't feel bad. I just wanted to see how many others would also.

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

....i'm pleading the fifth...speaking of fifths...

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I plead the 5th
Then the fight got started

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Joe---I hold you personally responsible for polluting my monitor with spew! It is all your fault, admit it! LOL!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Admity nothing and deny everything!

Kinda sound like marraige, huh?

[patsy121105]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ' I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Classic!

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."