The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[davidundalicia]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

That was a cold ending...shivered my butt off..............lol

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

What's up with that wife? Decide to have a "block party"??? Sheesh!

I would just shot all of 'em and been done with it! Balme it on "Sudden Shooter Syndrome" .... because I would have to be totally loaded!

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Picking a punishment

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

[patsy121105]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Love it!
Will laugh at that when I'm 'mucking out' in the morning.
Thanks Joe.

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

How Long Has it Been?

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(You've got to love military time!)

[patsy121105]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I went to the doctors last week.
He said "I haven't seen you for ages"
I said " I know, I've been ill"

I said "Have you got anything for the wind?"
He gave me a kite

Ahhh....Tommy Cooper
The old ones are the best

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!



Dog For Sale
*Free to good home.
*Excellent guard dog.
*Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
*Most of them knew him as 'Holy Sh*t.

[davidundalicia]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Thats not a dog, thats my ex sargent major...................lol

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the same time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury with the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Liz was flying in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

She was very lucky,


however her broom did not fair so well. LOL!

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A Dirty Fork



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Ohhh thats bad!!!! Loved it though.

[glendene]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Little Johnny (its clean).. was asked by his teacher what he was going to bring to school for 'Show & Tell' the following day. Johnny said... "I'm going to bring a Hedge Hog". The teacher said "where are you going to get one of them?" Johnny said... "Well last night, Mum was doing the dishes and she said to dad... "if you dry the dishes I'll give you a hedge hog!".

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Up to my old shenannigans again........

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'


The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'


The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'


The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'


The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'


.... and on they went!

[davidundalicia]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

That the best old lady joke that I have read for ages.........lmbao

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A new twist on getting 'goosed' for sure....