The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[bschomp]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

**** I'm not even in the pitcher......I'm way down at the bottom buried in the S**T.

And I'm the worm that eats the S**T LOL

Man I wish I can post some Pics have some hilarious ones :(

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

So, I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some
friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us
and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first
thing you would do?"

Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow! What a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You
don't have to wait until you're President to help the homeless. You
can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard
and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where
the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a
new house."

Catherine, who was about 4, thought that over for a second while her
mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless
guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just
pay him the $5 dollars?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Out of the mouths of babes!!!
That's a good one....

[sedona]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Funny Vasili

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.
Below are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his s h o e s
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his s h o e s and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his s h o e s and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


so now you know!

[sedona]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Funny collection, General!

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Burial at Sea

Donna and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to
bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did
pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.


They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all
stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.


After a while Donna says, 'Do you think we're out
far enough, Barbie?'


Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only
knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Donna'.

So they row a little farther.... Again Donna asks Barbie,
'Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost
immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is
only up to my chest.'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips
over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Donna is really
getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface,
gasping for breath, she says,'OK, it's finally deep
enough. Hand me the shovel.'

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

They are all quite good!!!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Yeah! Made me smile too.....

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

her is a must see!!!

Click on Baby Boomers

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Born tubby mild that was great take off of born to be wild.

[D'son]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

That was great!!!