The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

All of you are on a roll!!! These are great!!

[bill2006]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol

[bill2006]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"

[larazovich]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

HOW TO HANDLE A BAD DAY!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

Years ago, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced in Virginia , I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,

"Hi, this is John Smith from Bell Atlantic. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our new Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back win dow, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . The car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the **** out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better......

Anger management really does work...

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Bill & Liz !! Getting better all the time!! LOL
Here's another culled from my daily email avalanche:

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!
Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

1.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

2.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

3.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

4.
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

5.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

6.
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

7.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

8.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

9.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in *****, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

10.
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

11.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

12.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

13.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

14.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least...

15.
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[limebrook1]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Oh Vasili I did appreciate these!

This is a true story - I walked into the IT office one day and heard one of my oh so patient ICT Support Officers on the phone. Of course I only heard one side of the phone call .....

Support: You just swtched on your computer and its making a funny noise?
.........
Okay - can you hold your phone closer to the computer so I can hear the noise?
..........
Do you by any chance have something resting on your keyboard?
........
That's okay - no problem at all. We're here to help.


Trish and Support collapse laughing!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

You know....it was less than 15 years ago that this genre of humor was even distributable......amazing.....technology has evolved, but human nature has not.

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol, lol, lol

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Hi, Robyn! Have any chuckles to share?

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Two good ole boys over in Newfoundland were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.

The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'

Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'

With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouthfell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonnaget in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy."
Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Wow. Did the JokeStream dry up or something?

I will post a few new ones later on...

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Wow. Did the JokeStream dry up or something?

I will post a few new ones later on...

lol that's funny .... hee hee