The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A PRIEST and a RABBI were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide cameout and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, took a urine specimen and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles.
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"


And they say our Healthcare system is not professional enough, that we don't listen to patients!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

LOL

Finally had a chance to read them all the way through!

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost one hundred years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps.

Vasili ....

I can't believe you are talking about me this way .... lol

Okay, no more bull eh!!


great jokes, keep them coming!!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Mooooo-vvve closer, m'Lady! It's cold today, and I love the way you warm me up!

LOL


And about the cows in Canada 100 years ago? It just goes to show you how ahead of the game things are up North!
And it does seem like all the bulls (and their skata) migrated South to Washington, right?
LOL

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Mooooo-vvve closer, m'Lady! It's cold today, and I love the way you warm me up!

LOL


And about the cows in Canada 100 years ago? It just goes to show you how ahead of the game things are up North!
And it does seem like all the bulls (and their skata) migrated South to Washington, right?
LOL

lol ... hmmm ... that'd be the first for us, you all thinking "We are ahead of the game" ... hmmm ... thanks for that .. that's a big one in our books ...

Yes, everyone is definitely South of here ... udder than the odd newfie, lol ...

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

EVEN SWAP

O'Malley went into Gus's Pub and ordered a double whiskey. When it was brought he had changed his mind and ordered a double gin instead. After he downed the gin he headed for the door.

Just a minute said Gus, you never gave me anything fo the gin.

Ah, yes I did then, replied O'Malley, I gave you the double whiskey back.

But you didn't pay for the whiskey says Gus.

And neither did I drink it says O'Malley ...

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Funny!

OK, gals.....your turn!

(Calling Cindy, CL, Liz, Teri, Blue, Amanda, Trish, Bond, and so many more.....)

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

You took too long, so I will share an interesting new statistic:



A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.


Not bad!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!



Did I read that sign right?


"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1 ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK IT IS BROKEN.



"Here's Your Sign......"
LOL

[linastein]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Dunno.....but here's another one!

BEARS

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"

big giggle !!!! good one !
lina

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Oh, yeahhhhh!

We got a million of 'em!

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Did I read that sign right?


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK IT IS BROKEN.


"Here's Your Sign......"
LOL

My favorites!! Funny Vasili!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD


Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol ... some dandys there ...

It's astounding the wealth of information found around here ...

It's really Incr "edible" Like a Seafood Diet - eat all the food you see