The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Subject: Guts or Balls

These are important definitions:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say:

"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome!!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome!!

Castration??

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

LOL! NO...it's called FUBAR! For reference...see Tango and Cash movie with Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone...LOL!

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon,
the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Southern Thinking:

The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were
to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"



The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied,


"Everything but my earrings."

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!




Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

That's IT! No more bran muffins for me...

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Good One, Mike! Another 10 points for you!!!

[reliance.com]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

nice one

[jkadin]

classified adds

funy funny funny classified ads
These are real from ads in city newspapers

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

(man....if only I knew A B C....)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.

(sure...thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

8. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

(nice work!)

[Vasili]

Re: classified adds

7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

You are still rather too new to VodaLand to be aware of how we prize our cows, and marvel at their talents!

>> http://www.vodahost.com/vodatalk/vod...-your-cow.html


Check out my cow in post # 185 (pg.7) for a real mooooover and shaker!
.

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Aome great insights.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy...



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[limebrook1]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Like it! LOL

[karenwms63]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!