The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lmbo!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Just in time for 4th of July???

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”


So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold to his ear and count to 10.


Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

[jkadin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

ouch

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

(sorry for taking a double hit --- wasn't until after this went up I saw your thread, and now both are timed out)

[jkadin]

Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





********************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'



*** That one was for our Favorite Witch and her very Mod Sister....

********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'





************************************************** ******


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

[SAman]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A New York Love Story...

A beautiful young blond, New York woman, was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.
"Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow,
and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had
always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe !
Plus he's screwing me every night."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Think she was a blonde???

[WSBlue]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Please, don't do it with Bankers; most of them are Tellers!
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage-men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
And Zoologists do it with animals!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Hmmmm ..... hard to follow that one.

Maybe I should let another "refresh" the thread this time??

OK --- whose next with a smile??

[royb]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I went to the doctors last week.
He said "I haven't seen you for ages"
I said " I know, I've been ill"

I said "Have you got anything for the wind?"
He gave me a kite

[royb]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I was walking past the Eiffel tower when I was in Paris not long ago,
A girl came up to me and said "errrr, do you fancy a bit"
I said "Why are they pulling it down"

[royb]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I went to my local chemist.
I said " Have you got any vaseline ?"
He said "Have you tried Boots"
I said "I want to slide in not march in"

[royb]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

I said to the wifes sister in bed this morning..
"Are you on the pill?"
She said " No its rubbish, it keeps falling out"