Tweet
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of
personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am . Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my *****.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b.tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the
floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner
(the D*os), will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a
vasectomy!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of
personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am . Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my *****.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b.tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the
floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner
(the D*os), will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a
vasectomy!!
Comment