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Stupid Travel Comments
David Letterman has his "Stupid Pet Tricks." I offer my version: 25 "Stupid Traveler Comments" (along with the bemused agents' unspoken responses).
- How can I leave Baltimore at 8:30 a.m. and get to Chicago at 8:35 a.m. when the flight takes an hour? (The plane flies really, really fast.)
- Do I need to carry on my carry-on bags or can I check them? (Why not check yourself and let the bags have the seat?)
- When am I going to receive my paper copy of the electronic ticket? (Uhm, what part of the word "electronic" has escaped you?)
- Well, how will they know who I am if all I have is my photo ID? (Uhm ... ma'am, you forget we have the TSA manning security now.)
- How much is a train to Jamaica? (We are sold out, but if you call Amtrak, they have space. Be sure to ask for a seat on the left side of the train so you don't miss the Lost City of Atlantis on the way down.)
- What language do they speak in England? (Swahili. Would you like to purchase our "Learn Swahili in 10 Easy Steps" manual?)
- The water is murky. I did not come to Jamaica to swim in murky water. (As I recall, a Category 4 hurricane just pelted the island and yet you insisted that you had to go. Right?)
- The hotel would have been fine but all the employees were speaking Spanish. (The next time you are in Mexico, we will order some French-speaking Mexicans for your convenience.)
- Does the water go all the way around this island? (Not on Tuesdays.)
- Is Canada still the largest state? (They seem to think so.)
- Is this a wide-body plane? (Yes.) Good, because my mother has a big butt. (I imagine this was followed by a swift upper cut.)
- Don't they take American Express? (No, in China they take only French francs, but we still need to get you a visa.)
- Why do I need to change clothes in Chicago? (Planes, ma'am. Planes. You change planes in Chicago.)
- Do these stairs go up? (Not this set, sir. The up stairs are on the lower level.)
- How do they get power to the ship? (Very long extension cords.)
- Do you know what time the midnight buffet starts? (They are cutting costs, so now it is offered between 4:30 a.m. and 4:35 a.m.)
- Does it rain in the rain forest? (Does a bear shi ... oh, never mind.)
- Will the 24-hour café be open if I need to get a bite at 6 a.m.? (Ask the woman in line for the midnight buffet.)
- Where is the best spot to watch the fireworks in London on the Fourth of July? (Come on, Yank. Just think about this for a ****second.)
- My friend told me about a great hotel in Italy and it begins with a "B." (I know exactly which one it is. Can I have your credit card please?)
- I am a vegetarian. Do they have vegetables in Kenya? (It is a strange thing in Africa, countries with two vowels in their names are vegetableless. It is just like some dry counties here in the United States.)
- I am an advanced beginner rider. (Would that be "beginning to be advanced," or "advanced for beginning"?)
- Please send a quote for a weeklong Costa Rica package with adventure in the jungle. (One helicopter drop coming up.)
- Do I need a passport to go to Hawaii? (No, just a clue.)
- If I convert $1,000 to the local currency, how much is it in U.S. dollars? (Sir, the WhartonSchool is on the line for you. They have an opening.)
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