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I LOVE AIRLINE HUMOR! (Please don't blame me for all the ?. They were already in the text....too many to edit out!)
Airline ?Announcements
United ?Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not ?picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in ?it!
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On ?landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all ?of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, ?please make sure it's something we'd like to have. ?'
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'There ?may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ?ways out of this ?airplane'
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An ?airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had ?hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline ?had a policy which required the first officer to stand at ?the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them ?a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' ?He said that, in ?light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the ?passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a ?smart comment. ?Finally everyone had gotten off ?except for a little old lady walking with a ?cane.??
She ?said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a ?question?'
'Why, ?no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is ?it?'
The ?little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot ?down?'
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As ?the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald ?Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big ?fella, ?WHOA!'
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Another ?flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect ?landing: ?'We ask you to please remain seated as ?Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the ?terminal.'
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Overheard ?on an American Airlines flight ?into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly ?windy and bumpy day: ?During the final approach, the ?Captain was really having to fight it. ?After an ?extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies ?and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . ??Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened ?while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the ?gate!'
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'Your ?seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event ?of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and ?take them with our ?compliments.'
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'As ?you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your ?belongings. ?Anything left behind will be distributed ?evenly among the flight attendants. ?Please do not ?leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman ?over there.'
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Heard ?on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in ?Salt Lake City . ?The flight attendant came ?on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I ?know what y'all are thinking. ?I'm here to tell you ?it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's ?fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the ?asphalt.'
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After ?a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the ?attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please ?remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have ?brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the ?gate. ?And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the ?warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you ?can pick your way through the wreckage to the ?terminal.'
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Part ?of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like ?to thank you folks for flying with us today. ?And, the next time you get the insane ?urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized ?metal tube, we hope you'll think ?of US Airways.'
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Heard ?on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if ?you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is ?on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke ?'em.'
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A ?plane was taking off ?from Kennedy Airport . ?After it ?reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made ?an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, ?this is your captain speaking. ?Welcome to Flight ?Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los ?Angeles . ?The weather ahead is good and, ?therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. ??Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' ?Silence ?followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back ?on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so ?sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, ?the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot ?coffee in my lap. ?You should see the front of my ?pants!'
A ?passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. ?You ?should see the back of ?mine!'
Airline ?Announcements
United ?Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not ?picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in ?it!
?*************************************
On ?landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all ?of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, ?please make sure it's something we'd like to have. ?'
*************************************
'There ?may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ?ways out of this ?airplane'
*************************************
An ?airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had ?hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline ?had a policy which required the first officer to stand at ?the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them ?a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' ?He said that, in ?light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the ?passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a ?smart comment. ?Finally everyone had gotten off ?except for a little old lady walking with a ?cane.??
She ?said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a ?question?'
'Why, ?no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is ?it?'
The ?little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot ?down?'
***************************************
As ?the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald ?Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big ?fella, ?WHOA!'
*******************************************
Another ?flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect ?landing: ?'We ask you to please remain seated as ?Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the ?terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard ?on an American Airlines flight ?into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly ?windy and bumpy day: ?During the final approach, the ?Captain was really having to fight it. ?After an ?extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies ?and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . ??Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened ?while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the ?gate!'
***********************************
'Your ?seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event ?of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and ?take them with our ?compliments.'
***********************************
'As ?you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your ?belongings. ?Anything left behind will be distributed ?evenly among the flight attendants. ?Please do not ?leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman ?over there.'
******************************************
Heard ?on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in ?Salt Lake City . ?The flight attendant came ?on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I ?know what y'all are thinking. ?I'm here to tell you ?it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's ?fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the ?asphalt.'
****************************************
After ?a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the ?attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please ?remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have ?brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the ?gate. ?And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the ?warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you ?can pick your way through the wreckage to the ?terminal.'
****************************************
Part ?of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like ?to thank you folks for flying with us today. ?And, the next time you get the insane ?urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized ?metal tube, we hope you'll think ?of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard ?on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if ?you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is ?on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke ?'em.'
****************************************
A ?plane was taking off ?from Kennedy Airport . ?After it ?reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made ?an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, ?this is your captain speaking. ?Welcome to Flight ?Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los ?Angeles . ?The weather ahead is good and, ?therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. ??Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' ?Silence ?followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back ?on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so ?sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, ?the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot ?coffee in my lap. ?You should see the front of my ?pants!'
A ?passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. ?You ?should see the back of ?mine!'
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