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A Dad's Dating Rules
A DAD'S DATING RULES:
Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package, cause you sure aren't picking anything up.
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you can not keep your hands or eyes off my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off at their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without some kind of a barrier method can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I WILL kill you.
Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and the other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at me house and the only word I need from you on the subject is: early.
Rule 6: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. If you wanted to be on time to the movie, you shouldn't be dating. Instead of just standing there, why don't you go do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for dates with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Place where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wearing shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies that feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues related to my daughter, i am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house if you do not.
Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy in Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean the guns while I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package, cause you sure aren't picking anything up.
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you can not keep your hands or eyes off my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off at their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without some kind of a barrier method can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I WILL kill you.
Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and the other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at me house and the only word I need from you on the subject is: early.
Rule 6: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. If you wanted to be on time to the movie, you shouldn't be dating. Instead of just standing there, why don't you go do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for dates with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Place where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wearing shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies that feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues related to my daughter, i am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house if you do not.
Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy in Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean the guns while I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.